It's been awhile, hasn't it?

So a quick update on all the things you missed:

I failed at yet another relationship. (NO BIG SURPRISE)

I've decided that dating is a hassle, that I should live for me just for a little while.

I have decided to join the airforce. Hooah! I plan on going into basic in the fall. This is probably the best choice and the choice I have made that I have the most pride in. :)

I got my wisdom teeth torn from my face along with three cists that had developed on the one side on friday. To celebrate the fact that I can chew again, I am having a McDonald's party tomorrow. We're testing the "How many goobers can you fit in one McDonald's" theory.

I have been on College break since like the 12 of December and I only go back tomorrow. This has driven me absolutely insane. So much so that I actually sat for three hours yesterday and played "Monsters Inc Jr." on my new laptop. The game was made for "3 years and up".

I actually sent a few of my articles and shit to real magazines. I was denied by one, but that's okay. You gotta be told no a few times before you can be told yes.

I turned eighteen. This just makes the statement about the game I played for three hours, even more pathetic.

I am still a virgin. I am not sure whether or not I am thoroughly and completely proud of this. I am in one way. You know, it means I was smart enough not to open my legs to the wrong guy. It also means that I have yet to find the right guy.

We bought a new dog. Her name is Lucy. She's retarded. When she was a puppy she used to run around in circles and pee at the same time. You could call this talent, but she also prefers the taste of her asshole, mulch and rocks to her dogfood. When she gets bored, she jumps up on the couch and basically seizes all over it while snotting all over herself and the chair at the same time. She's the product of two dogs that had two different dogs in them. When you mix that much stupid together, Lucy is what you get.

Maybe I'm amazing just the way I am?

So, I've been very down on myself lately. But many MANY people have tried to tell me otherwise. I never realized how loved I really am, how many people actually love me. More than I would have ever thought. I have been trying so desperately to figure out how its possible for me to be so loved but I hate myself?

Mostly, I'm a bucket of mental barriers that I have built over the years I've been alive. I've been abused a great deal of my life. Not just by boyfriends but by other men who came into my life. So I have built these barriers. One is that I have been abused so I think that when I fail at something, I have to be punished for it, therefore I abuse myself for it. I also have been repeatedly told by multiple people in my life that I am worthless, I am not pretty, I am stupid, etc. So when someone compliments me, I am afraid of accepting it, afraid of believing it for then I will get an ego...and then I will become a bad person. Yet, I already think I'm a bad person?

Maybe I am amazing just the way I am.

But I don't want to believe that...because I don't want to become an egotistical jerk.

So part of me does know that I'm fine the way I am. But another part of me doubts my self worth because that part of me doesn't want to become a bad person. So I keep it from myself.

Its not how many times you've been knocked down, its how many times you get back up.

I haven't posted in an age. So I feel I should update all you people about my pathetic life because apparently its pretty juicy gossip. I dated Chris Roye. He left me because I'm "not what he was looking for". Now I'm purely convinced that the dating scene is just not for me.

Or I was. Until a bunch of people attempted desperately for the past three days to convince me otherwise. That I, more than anyone else, deserve to be loved because I'm so "selfless". I am a beautiful girl, I am a sweet girl, it'll happen to me.

I'm sure it would. If I was open to it, but I'm closing myself off, building up those walls again.

Don't be like me.

Anything with a penis will eventually become one

I have come to this conclusion after too many horrible experiences with the male species and I have decided that I can only marry one of the guys on my list of the only good guys in the entire world:

Alex Moyer
Chris Roye
Elijah Olson (already taken by Hannah)
Storm Veunephachan
Ryan Hoover (already taken by Becky so not a choice here)
Phillip Peng
Alex Bailor
Nate Bachman
Wade Tyrpin (taken by Katie)
Tarek Sawma
Nick Allison (I've already royally screwed this one over)

That's it, that's the list of the only good guys in the entire world, and these are my choices for my future husbund. Either that, or I buy a mail order husband. I'm sure they sell them somewhere if you look hard enough.

By the way, a little personal victory for me is that in two days it will be exactly a year since I last smoked a ciggarette. I'm pretty proud of myself. I almost had a relaspe yesterday and the day before because certain people at work have made Hershey Park a living hell. I told myself that smoking a ciggarette would just be a temporary fix and I would feel worse afterwards for having broke and given in so close to my one year mark and I stayed away. *insert applause here*

So that's all I needed to say for now. We covered boys and cigarrette victories in today's edition of Where Cool Comes to Die. Tune in next week where Erin will surely bitch about boys, work and life in general with a little bit of sarcasm and unintended comedy thrown in.

Silly Bandz and my rapidly depleting cool level

Not that I ever had a cool level in the first place but anyway

My topic of the day is Silly Bandz, I'm sure you have heard of them. Those little rubber bands that turn into the shapes of animals, letters and all kinds of other shapes. Well, I found this article:http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/17/nyregion/17toy.html
In this article it discusses how Silly bandz are all the rage in elementary school. I mean these things are bigger than Beanie Babies were and that my friends is saying something. In the article it also discusses how elementary schools are actually banning them because they cause a distraction. Now, I am currently wearing nine of them. And yesterday I certainly did conduct a trade of a flamingo for a bunny and a duck. And I thought I was wicked cool and that everyone who wasn't wearing any were behind the times.

I also have this quote from Katie McQuate: "I buy them everytime I see them. I don't wear them, I give them to my neice because I want her to be the cool kid in her class with them all the way up her arm."

This isn't going to get me to take off my silly bandz which are my only hope of ever being remotely cool, though. I just thought it was an interesting thought to discuss. That and I haven't posted for awhile.

Also, anyone want to give me some advice as to how I can set up a website. Is it possible to do that for free?

Bitchyness

Wow, this is bad, I haven't posted in a really long time.

Today stressed me out so bad. First, I had to do a hand out for Self Injury Awareness day because Ryan Hoover decides to tell me LAST NIGHT that it is on March 1st, MONDAY. So during first period I was stuck in the library working on the handout, after having Mr. Innes get all snappy with me about having to leave his class when I really just wanted to punch him in the face but I held it in. And once at the library, the stinken librarian tells me to use the laptops and the LAPTOP would not access the internet even after I tried FOUR fucking TIMES. So, half the period wasted, I go over to the desktop, get the internet the first time, do my research, type up my paper and boom, done. So, I'm thinking, that's all I have to do for this fucking thing. WRONG! I then had to take it to the principal's secretary, get interrogated by her about what the handout had on it. What did she expect me to say? Porn? Then, she told me to come back down later. So I had to fit that into my busy schedule.

Also, we are holding a mock trial in English and I play Nastasya and yeah, I don't like being sat in front of a bunch of creepy sophmores (just kidding) and asked a load of questions about something that really didn't happen.

Also, I had to deal with musical today, oh joy. I had this enormous blow out with Anna, SURPRISE SURPRISE, right? This shit has been just waiting to happen. So, her boyfriend just had to get himself involved because you know I was totally doing something to him. Now he decided that he's just not going to talk to me and be pissed with me over NOTHING.
I love people and how incredibly FUCKING stupid they happen to be. At musical we were trying on costumes. OH YES, that's always fun. After trying on three different ones, I finally got one that fit but that was so tight that my boobs were shoved together so tightly that it created a uniboob. No clevage exists there.

The Resilience of a Toddler, Weaknesses and "Boo-Boo Bunnies"

My Child Development and Parenting teacher said something to us that piqued some kind of determination in me. Did you know that the two developmental periods for humans that are similar are toddlers and teenagers. Toddlers learn to walk. We learn to drive. Toddlers want to be independent. Teenagers want independence. If we all had the determination that we had when we were two years old, learning how to walk, then we could do anything we put our minds to. Think about it, we fell and we fell and we fell but we practiced and practiced and practiced walking until we finally got it right. If I had that kind of determination with my two most difficult classes then I would have no problem with my grades. I believe from now on, whenever something gets difficult, I'm going to channel my inner toddler resilience and go at it and go at it until I get it right. Including, relationship problems.

Ugh, lately things have been kind of crappy with Nick. We fight...too much about things...too stupid. I think its mostly me and not wanting to hear his side, not wanting to be the one to admit that I'm wrong. I'm trying to get better though, trying to let him show me his side of the story. I'm a stubborn person. Its the Irish in me and the woman in me. I always have been, I'm one of those people that when I think I'm right, I'll go to all ends to prove I am, and if proven wrong, I have trouble accepting it which usually helps to turn a tiny argument into an all out war.

Sometimes I feel like...he's a weakness because I need him. Yet, is the weakness needing him or is it a strength to admit I need him? I guess that's something that I have to figure out on my own.

"Boo-Boo bunnies"
They are a little wash cloth folded to make a bunny that will hold an icecube, not make the child's fingers cold and will sop up all the excess water. This is not the purpose of me putting it in this post. The purpose of me bringing up this topic is that I wanted to mention something else that my teacher said. In real life, we all have our own "Boo-Boo Bunnies". Someone you go to when you are sad or hurting. Who is yours? Mine depends on what is wrong with me. A majority of the time, about 99.99999999999% of the time is Nick. If I need someone to hold me when I'm sad, I go to him. If I don't have him to go to, I go to Angela. If neither of them are available, I have a stuffed animal Frisbee dog that I named Steve. I go to him.

So, I just spent four and a half hours doing pretty much absolutely nothing. Beating my head against a brick wall would have been so much more productive than working tonight. Let me lay out for you exactly what I did at work.

5:30-7- Had actual costumers, real living people that I was forced to interact with.

7:28-7:58- Stared blankly at a speck on my counter

8:00- Start to fall asleep on my heater

8:17- Scald my face on the heater

8:20-8:30- Scratched a nonexistant itch on my ass

8:32-8:36- Repeatedly pace my game moaning loudly

8:40- A visit from Laura, joy.

8:50- The speck on my counter begins talking to me.

9:00- the speck and I are best friends.

9:20- finish this delightful poem:

Hell hole
Excitingly DULL in the winter
Really terrible
Suicidal tendecy causing
Hate Inspiring
Even worse than Nick's jokes
Yahtzee is better than this
Painful
Anus sucking Aliens run it
Really huge pain in my dick
Kill me now, please

9:30- 9:32- Hortencia texts me telling me she bought a Taylor Lautner poster. I ask her if she's going to masturbate to it.

9:33- 9:40- I proceed to cry from the laughter my own joke brought me, I also ponder how its even possible that I have friends.

9:42- I make fun of a fat kid...inside my head and to Nick, but not to the fat kid's face.

9:44- I decide that its okay to mock fat people as long as you don't do it to their faces.

9:50- I finally get closed

SAT scores, Teenage Love and what makes YOU an adult?

Can I have a drum roll please? Erin's SAT score was a 1470. Which is pretty average, better than what Katee Paone got her first time. Its on to apply for colleges. I have narrowed it down to four choices, and I'm sure my boyfriend will be happy to know that they are all in state. Shippensburg, Bloomsburg, Millersville and Carlow. Carlow might as well not be in state though because its in Pittsburgh and its an all women's college but from all the stuff I got in the mail from them and Sweet Briar, it kind of turned me on to all girl colleges. For one, you don't have to worry about relationship issues, unless, you know, you're a lesbian. There also is alot less temptation on campus to do things that your mama told you not to and you can focus more on your education and my boyfriend's only a junior anyway and he has no interest in anything remotely close to my career path so it really shouldn't matter what school I go to. I shouldn't let the fact that I have a boyfriend hold me back from where I want to go.

Alright, back to my earlier discussion today. Teenage love; real or not?

Once again, I have to say that I am fully on the real side of this argument, not just because I am in a relationship and I am seventeen and I tell that boy that I love him, but because I actually know people who met in high school, got married and had two beautiful children. So are you telling me that their love wasn't real until they became an "adult"?

And what honestly defines an adult? Age? I think not, I believe our decisions and readiness to take on the world define us as adults. I know some "adults" who behave more like children than my eleven year old little brother. I also know some teenagers that are ready to be independent now and have made very adult like decisions, whether forced upon them or not. Such as my one friend, he took full responsibility for his child, even as a teenager and even though his child's mother repeatedly pushes the responsibility of the child on him. He takes the responsibility for her while the mother still wants to be a kid, something she should've thought of before spreading those legs without any sort of protection.

In conclusion, SAT scores were great, teenage love is real in my opinion though I'd love to hear your argument and age does not make you an adult but the decisions you have to make in your lifetime can make you wiser or the opposite. A teenager can be more of an adult than some adults can.

Once again, Drink eggnog, eat plenty of fruit and touch as many people inappropriately as you can.

SAT scores, Homosexual Computers and High School Love, real or not?

So, I was hoping to get my stinken SAT scores. That was what I hoped to accomplish by coming to the library but guess what? The stupid school will not allow me to login and see them. Which really really irritates me. I don't care that the previous sentence is not a real sentence. Behind me two people are arguing about wedding invitations and their necessity. Apparently this class has to plan a wedding and their entire lives for that matter and add in all the expenses. I guess that would be a real eye opener. I believe the two behind me are a couple and are group working on this project. They sound like an old married couple. They are now arguing over where they are going to live. Wow.

I wonder what the percentage on High School Relationship marriages lasting? Or maybe the fail rate. I'll look it up. I didn't find a exact percentage. I found a lot of skepticism on it. On wikianswers someone asked what the success rate of a high school relationship marriage was and the person who answered, answered with "Probably .002%" I also found another document written on an adult's perspective of high school relationships basically telling all high schoolers that we have no idea what true love is. This opinion coming from "Adults" really irritates me because some of the "adults" that tell us this are not much older than we are. What right do you have to say that we aren't in love, you may think you are "older" and "wiser", but today in my psychology class, we were interviewing parents and Alicia Snyder's mother offered this advice to us about finding a lifelong mate; "I have been happily married for twenty three years and my husband is my best friend, I can come to him with anything and everything."

Guess what? My boyfriend is my best friend and I can talk to him about anything and everything and I HAVE talked to him about anything and everything. I've told him things that I'm sure he had no interest in knowing at times. I'm sure there have been some things he wishes I never told him, some discussions we really never needed to have, but he's always there to listen to whatever I have to say and I to him. So is that not love just because we're seventeen? I'll continue this discussion in my next post. Meanwhile, I welcome your comments.

If I don't get to post a christmas blog, have a great christmas. Drink egg nog, eat fruit and touch as many people inappropriately as you can. Merry Christmas.

MY THUMBS FUCKING HURT

Which is the result of my hard effort of making well over three hundred fucking World AIDs Day ribbons for every fucking kid in my entire school because I chaired World AIDs Day in student council because Becky Guldin gave me that look and I am way too nice a person to survive in this world. Anyway, I had to stick pins through all of these ribbons. And I only managed to stab myself atleast two hundred fifty or more times. And guess what? Fifty nine of those goddamn ribbons won't even be fucking worn because it goes against CTC uniform code. WHAT THE FUCK?! So students can't even wear a goddamn two inch, if even that, fucking ribbon for one fucking day. Its a fucking conspiracy. I swear to all that is holy, if I find anyone in our school without a ribbon on, I will find them and stick a ribbon to their skin. Just kidding. Trust me, I'm not as violent as I give off. I promise.

PSH definitions. This shit cracks me the fuck up

Psh

An expression used when something is highly unlikely or that the speaker disagrees with.
Psh, pink cows SO do not come from Denmark!
2.
psh

A dismissive phrase used to show one's disinterest in a particular subject. Often used to decline a command.
"Do your school work." "Work? Psh..."

3.
Psh
something a person says when they have no better come-backs
susy: bob-you're fat.. lose weight bob: i weigh less than you do! susy: psh.....

4.
Psh

Psh is pretty similar to "Whatever" Some people prefer to use it over "whatever" Some people say it if in dissagreement.
Claire "I ran a mile in 5 minutes" Travis "Psh, no you didn't!" or Lea " Don't be so mean!" Chris "Psh"

5.
psh

A way to express feelings of longing, an under the table exchange of feelings. A don't let mom or pop know kind of deal, especially if mom or pop are heavily into Christianity and chastity belts An easy way for males who aren't comfortable with showing emotions to at least put something in.
Girl- "When are we going to get serious here?" Man- "Psh" Girl-" when would you like to meet my parents?" Man- "Psh"

6.
psh
1. An expression used when disagreeing
2. Used as a bleep in order to avoid saying something.
1. Casey: Apples are vegetables Evan: Pshhhh
2. John: Did you see that girls psh?

7.
psh

A word one uses when they have nothing else to say. It's also used in replacement of different words to make it sound more interesting. Commonly used to replace swear words, making a conversation more entertaining.
some1:ur such a pendejo! some1else:psh! person:psh u!!! bob: u need alot of pshing help u pshing son of a psh! me:pshpshpshpshpsh! ray:u've gone over the psh limit gurl

Ten Random Updating Facts

Ten Random Updating Facts:
1. Today is Erin and Nick's Five Months.

2. I officially have begun writing Brilliant Innocence.

3. I'm already at a writer's block. How does this shit only happen to the brilliant? haha. just kidding.

4. Mrs.Gardayasz took my pumpkin roll home with her. It made me angry.

5. I have expanded my college choices to any college with a marketing or communication major.

6. I think marketing for a company that sells to other countries would be fun.

7. Especially since I am creative.

8. And I'm so ridiculously good looking, everybody would want to buy the product....just KIDDING

9. Ridiculously good looking, psh, me? PSH PSSSSSSHHHHHHHH.

10. Is that even a word? Psh. Lets type it into google shall we? I did, the first thing I got was the urban dictionary. Then I got another website telling me what PSH stood for. PSH stands for your mom, in my bed, at night, with her clothes off.

That wasn't really ten facts was it? Oh well, it'll do

Ten Random Updating Facts about Yours Truly

1. Of course my mother is planning to go and see New Moon and Blind Side without me. Work makes seeing good movies impossible.

2. Mr.NL is on Friday. I'm an escort for Nick Mastracola.

3. I take the SAT December fifth and I'm taking off for the fourth and the fifth, I'm going to be a madrigal feast waitress.

4. I am considering looking into colleges that are outside the country. I'm afraid of how my boyfriend will take to this.

5. Championships were on sunday. Last place but in OPENING class.

6. My boyfriend's birthday is December first, not too far away.

7. I'm going black friday shopping with Amanda, Nick (the boyfriend version), and Tracy at King of Prussia.

8. Neither me nor Amanda nor Tracy have ever been to King of Prussia in our lives.

9. I'm starting a new book called Brilliant Innocence, ask for details if you want to know.

10. I had a Wolfgang Candy Bar for breakfast.

I hate...

I hate when people lie and then try to convince you desperately that they are telling the truth.

I hate when people are stupid and when they make stupid decisions and when they won't listen to you when you are trying to keep them from making stupid decisions. So, they are still being stupid.

I hate when people hurt the ones they love.

I hate when people have hurt you so often, you're too numb to feel anymore.

I hate when people don't hand out candy corn on halloween. What a conspiracy.

No surprise

That I am fucking stressed out all over again. I hate my life. Every aspect of my life. I hate marching band. I hate student council. I hate my mother. I hate my father. I hate not having enough money, ever. I hate the fact that everyone always talks down at me. I hate it all. I am so stressed out. My hair's falling out again. My dumb ass mother refuses to go get my prescription. at this rate the only thing I have to look forward to is a premature death. Ugh. I hate it all.

Now and forever more, you'll be in my heart.
If I tell you I love you,
Can I keep you forever?
Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time.

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you

Let me be your wings
One look at your smile and I could see the light shining everywhere
Very, Very extraordinary
Every day I'll take you higher and I'll never let you fall

You...might come to see you were meant to be so much more.
One heart, tenderly beating, ever entreating, constant and true
Unless its you, I don't want to spend forever with anyone else.

Six more posts

And I will be at two hundred. I wonder why I found it hard to believe that my boyfriend hadn't read them all yet.
Lets talk about procrastination today, children. Procrastination is probably the number one reason why parents beat their children and why people kill each other. You put off paying the landlord until its too late. You put off paying your supplier of weed until the last minute, trust me I've been there, those hoes always forget to bring me my money. I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding but seriously, have you ever thought about it that way? If nobody procrastinated we'd probably have a lower crime rate. Don't you think?
That's all I really had to say for today.

Erin's shining moment of the day:
I repeatedly pushed on a pull door for about fifteen minutes straight.

Oh yeah. I'm a genius.

I'll take you for who you are, if you'll take me for everything

I think I have finally picked a major for college. I want to be a criminal psychologist. Not because television makes it look glamorous, but because I think that I could actually really enjoy that job. Maybe, not so much enjoy it, as be able to actually be interested in it. I already know what you're thinking, you're thinking; "But Erin, you have such a talent for writing! Why don't you go into journalism???" I plan on publishing my books, but I need a side job, and think, when it says on the back cover:

"Erin Howie lives in North Carolina with her hippy husband and seven kids named Moon Beam, Sunshine, Aurora, Flower, Fern, Peace and Love. She works as a CRIMINAL PSYCHOLOGIST when she isn't eating peanut butter sandwhiches, writing amazing stories or sitting on her fat ass watching television."

Wouldn't you totally shit all over yourself and be like "OH MY FUCKING GOD?!?!?!??!! SHE'S a criminal PSYCHOLOGIST??!?!?! HOW COOL!??!?!?!???!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!"

No?
Well you're a loser and no one likes you. Not even your mom. In fact she told me last night in bed.

Erin's conversation of the day:
Erin: Yeah, seven boys and five girls. That's twelve right.
Kate: yes
Erin: Yes, Erin, seven plus five equals twelve, you dumb ass.

Holding your scarred heart in hand

So, today basically sucked ass. Big hairy black ass.

Dentist stabbed me in the gum, I bled all over the place. Fml

The only time I could sign up for this robotic baby was on my BIRTHDAY. Fml

The part I got in the class play was "Other Fairgoer" and I have to SHARE that part with my two other friends who Masser doesn't seem to like. Fml.

Apparently, I'm not allowed to complain in front of Anna because everything I say, something in her life sucks worse. And she acts like I'm not allowed to complain because everything's just fucking great because Ben got Wilbur, now DON'T GET ME WRONG, I'm happy for Ben, I'm not mad that he got a better part than me. I'm really happy for him, I knew he was going to get it. He was really good. I'm upset because I got pretty much the worst part there was in the entire play. I might have ONE LINE, if that. Whenever Anna is upset about something, I'm there for her, but today I wasn't allowed to be upset because when I said that I had to take care of the damn baby on my fucking birthday she was like "I have a cavalcade on my birthday" and when I said that I'm not having a birthday party she was like "Its my sweet sixteen and I'm not having a birthday party" well you're probably atleast going to see your boyfriend on your birthday, I don't even get that. But at this point I was just like whatever, Anna, your life sucks worse than mine, I'm sorry I complained, I'm so fucking happy right now I can't contain myself because apparently you don't know how to be here for me when I'm down. So next time, you're upset and someone ignores you, think of the way you treated me. Because I won't show you any sympathy next time you're crying. Fml.

And I'm happy pretty much all the time, so I think its healthy for me to be upset every once in awhile. But everyone crawls up my goddamn ass whenever I get upset, what's the point of having friends when no one gives two shits and has bigger problems than you when you're upset? There. Is. No. Point.

Now not all my friends were like that. In fact, it was just Anna. But I don't give a fuck anymore. I'll be there for her when she needs but I realize now that she's not the person I need to turn to when I need someone to be there for me. That's why you have more than just one friend.