Sunday, September 12, 2010

Maybe I'm amazing just the way I am?

So, I've been very down on myself lately. But many MANY people have tried to tell me otherwise. I never realized how loved I really am, how many people actually love me. More than I would have ever thought. I have been trying so desperately to figure out how its possible for me to be so loved but I hate myself?

Mostly, I'm a bucket of mental barriers that I have built over the years I've been alive. I've been abused a great deal of my life. Not just by boyfriends but by other men who came into my life. So I have built these barriers. One is that I have been abused so I think that when I fail at something, I have to be punished for it, therefore I abuse myself for it. I also have been repeatedly told by multiple people in my life that I am worthless, I am not pretty, I am stupid, etc. So when someone compliments me, I am afraid of accepting it, afraid of believing it for then I will get an ego...and then I will become a bad person. Yet, I already think I'm a bad person?

Maybe I am amazing just the way I am.

But I don't want to believe that...because I don't want to become an egotistical jerk.

So part of me does know that I'm fine the way I am. But another part of me doubts my self worth because that part of me doesn't want to become a bad person. So I keep it from myself.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Its not how many times you've been knocked down, its how many times you get back up.

I haven't posted in an age. So I feel I should update all you people about my pathetic life because apparently its pretty juicy gossip. I dated Chris Roye. He left me because I'm "not what he was looking for". Now I'm purely convinced that the dating scene is just not for me.

Or I was. Until a bunch of people attempted desperately for the past three days to convince me otherwise. That I, more than anyone else, deserve to be loved because I'm so "selfless". I am a beautiful girl, I am a sweet girl, it'll happen to me.

I'm sure it would. If I was open to it, but I'm closing myself off, building up those walls again.

Don't be like me.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Anything with a penis will eventually become one

I have come to this conclusion after too many horrible experiences with the male species and I have decided that I can only marry one of the guys on my list of the only good guys in the entire world:

Alex Moyer
Chris Roye
Elijah Olson (already taken by Hannah)
Storm Veunephachan
Ryan Hoover (already taken by Becky so not a choice here)
Phillip Peng
Alex Bailor
Nate Bachman
Wade Tyrpin (taken by Katie)
Tarek Sawma
Nick Allison (I've already royally screwed this one over)

That's it, that's the list of the only good guys in the entire world, and these are my choices for my future husbund. Either that, or I buy a mail order husband. I'm sure they sell them somewhere if you look hard enough.

By the way, a little personal victory for me is that in two days it will be exactly a year since I last smoked a ciggarette. I'm pretty proud of myself. I almost had a relaspe yesterday and the day before because certain people at work have made Hershey Park a living hell. I told myself that smoking a ciggarette would just be a temporary fix and I would feel worse afterwards for having broke and given in so close to my one year mark and I stayed away. *insert applause here*

So that's all I needed to say for now. We covered boys and cigarrette victories in today's edition of Where Cool Comes to Die. Tune in next week where Erin will surely bitch about boys, work and life in general with a little bit of sarcasm and unintended comedy thrown in.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Silly Bandz and my rapidly depleting cool level

Not that I ever had a cool level in the first place but anyway

My topic of the day is Silly Bandz, I'm sure you have heard of them. Those little rubber bands that turn into the shapes of animals, letters and all kinds of other shapes. Well, I found this article:
In this article it discusses how Silly bandz are all the rage in elementary school. I mean these things are bigger than Beanie Babies were and that my friends is saying something. In the article it also discusses how elementary schools are actually banning them because they cause a distraction. Now, I am currently wearing nine of them. And yesterday I certainly did conduct a trade of a flamingo for a bunny and a duck. And I thought I was wicked cool and that everyone who wasn't wearing any were behind the times.

I also have this quote from Katie McQuate: "I buy them everytime I see them. I don't wear them, I give them to my neice because I want her to be the cool kid in her class with them all the way up her arm."

This isn't going to get me to take off my silly bandz which are my only hope of ever being remotely cool, though. I just thought it was an interesting thought to discuss. That and I haven't posted for awhile.

Also, anyone want to give me some advice as to how I can set up a website. Is it possible to do that for free?

Thursday, February 25, 2010


Wow, this is bad, I haven't posted in a really long time.

Today stressed me out so bad. First, I had to do a hand out for Self Injury Awareness day because Ryan Hoover decides to tell me LAST NIGHT that it is on March 1st, MONDAY. So during first period I was stuck in the library working on the handout, after having Mr. Innes get all snappy with me about having to leave his class when I really just wanted to punch him in the face but I held it in. And once at the library, the stinken librarian tells me to use the laptops and the LAPTOP would not access the internet even after I tried FOUR fucking TIMES. So, half the period wasted, I go over to the desktop, get the internet the first time, do my research, type up my paper and boom, done. So, I'm thinking, that's all I have to do for this fucking thing. WRONG! I then had to take it to the principal's secretary, get interrogated by her about what the handout had on it. What did she expect me to say? Porn? Then, she told me to come back down later. So I had to fit that into my busy schedule.

Also, we are holding a mock trial in English and I play Nastasya and yeah, I don't like being sat in front of a bunch of creepy sophmores (just kidding) and asked a load of questions about something that really didn't happen.

Also, I had to deal with musical today, oh joy. I had this enormous blow out with Anna, SURPRISE SURPRISE, right? This shit has been just waiting to happen. So, her boyfriend just had to get himself involved because you know I was totally doing something to him. Now he decided that he's just not going to talk to me and be pissed with me over NOTHING.
I love people and how incredibly FUCKING stupid they happen to be. At musical we were trying on costumes. OH YES, that's always fun. After trying on three different ones, I finally got one that fit but that was so tight that my boobs were shoved together so tightly that it created a uniboob. No clevage exists there.

Monday, January 4, 2010

The Resilience of a Toddler, Weaknesses and "Boo-Boo Bunnies"

My Child Development and Parenting teacher said something to us that piqued some kind of determination in me. Did you know that the two developmental periods for humans that are similar are toddlers and teenagers. Toddlers learn to walk. We learn to drive. Toddlers want to be independent. Teenagers want independence. If we all had the determination that we had when we were two years old, learning how to walk, then we could do anything we put our minds to. Think about it, we fell and we fell and we fell but we practiced and practiced and practiced walking until we finally got it right. If I had that kind of determination with my two most difficult classes then I would have no problem with my grades. I believe from now on, whenever something gets difficult, I'm going to channel my inner toddler resilience and go at it and go at it until I get it right. Including, relationship problems.

Ugh, lately things have been kind of crappy with Nick. We fight...too much about things...too stupid. I think its mostly me and not wanting to hear his side, not wanting to be the one to admit that I'm wrong. I'm trying to get better though, trying to let him show me his side of the story. I'm a stubborn person. Its the Irish in me and the woman in me. I always have been, I'm one of those people that when I think I'm right, I'll go to all ends to prove I am, and if proven wrong, I have trouble accepting it which usually helps to turn a tiny argument into an all out war.

Sometimes I feel like...he's a weakness because I need him. Yet, is the weakness needing him or is it a strength to admit I need him? I guess that's something that I have to figure out on my own.

"Boo-Boo bunnies"
They are a little wash cloth folded to make a bunny that will hold an icecube, not make the child's fingers cold and will sop up all the excess water. This is not the purpose of me putting it in this post. The purpose of me bringing up this topic is that I wanted to mention something else that my teacher said. In real life, we all have our own "Boo-Boo Bunnies". Someone you go to when you are sad or hurting. Who is yours? Mine depends on what is wrong with me. A majority of the time, about 99.99999999999% of the time is Nick. If I need someone to hold me when I'm sad, I go to him. If I don't have him to go to, I go to Angela. If neither of them are available, I have a stuffed animal Frisbee dog that I named Steve. I go to him.