Sunday, September 12, 2010

Maybe I'm amazing just the way I am?

So, I've been very down on myself lately. But many MANY people have tried to tell me otherwise. I never realized how loved I really am, how many people actually love me. More than I would have ever thought. I have been trying so desperately to figure out how its possible for me to be so loved but I hate myself?

Mostly, I'm a bucket of mental barriers that I have built over the years I've been alive. I've been abused a great deal of my life. Not just by boyfriends but by other men who came into my life. So I have built these barriers. One is that I have been abused so I think that when I fail at something, I have to be punished for it, therefore I abuse myself for it. I also have been repeatedly told by multiple people in my life that I am worthless, I am not pretty, I am stupid, etc. So when someone compliments me, I am afraid of accepting it, afraid of believing it for then I will get an ego...and then I will become a bad person. Yet, I already think I'm a bad person?

Maybe I am amazing just the way I am.

But I don't want to believe that...because I don't want to become an egotistical jerk.

So part of me does know that I'm fine the way I am. But another part of me doubts my self worth because that part of me doesn't want to become a bad person. So I keep it from myself.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Its not how many times you've been knocked down, its how many times you get back up.

I haven't posted in an age. So I feel I should update all you people about my pathetic life because apparently its pretty juicy gossip. I dated Chris Roye. He left me because I'm "not what he was looking for". Now I'm purely convinced that the dating scene is just not for me.

Or I was. Until a bunch of people attempted desperately for the past three days to convince me otherwise. That I, more than anyone else, deserve to be loved because I'm so "selfless". I am a beautiful girl, I am a sweet girl, it'll happen to me.

I'm sure it would. If I was open to it, but I'm closing myself off, building up those walls again.

Don't be like me.