Sunday, September 12, 2010

Maybe I'm amazing just the way I am?

So, I've been very down on myself lately. But many MANY people have tried to tell me otherwise. I never realized how loved I really am, how many people actually love me. More than I would have ever thought. I have been trying so desperately to figure out how its possible for me to be so loved but I hate myself?

Mostly, I'm a bucket of mental barriers that I have built over the years I've been alive. I've been abused a great deal of my life. Not just by boyfriends but by other men who came into my life. So I have built these barriers. One is that I have been abused so I think that when I fail at something, I have to be punished for it, therefore I abuse myself for it. I also have been repeatedly told by multiple people in my life that I am worthless, I am not pretty, I am stupid, etc. So when someone compliments me, I am afraid of accepting it, afraid of believing it for then I will get an ego...and then I will become a bad person. Yet, I already think I'm a bad person?

Maybe I am amazing just the way I am.

But I don't want to believe that...because I don't want to become an egotistical jerk.

So part of me does know that I'm fine the way I am. But another part of me doubts my self worth because that part of me doesn't want to become a bad person. So I keep it from myself.

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