That's really all I have to say. I have so many feelings right now, confusion, hurt, anger, depression...I can't handle that many emotions at once. It makes me crazy. On top of the whole stupid thing with my stupid boyfriend. I have a crappy home life right now and I just CAN'T do this anymore. I can't! I can't! I can't! I can't! I can't! I can't!
I want to take a break, because by taking a break I think he'll realize how much he actually needs me. He freaks out when I even mention taking a break, so if we were to actually take one, if he's sincere, and he really actually loves me, he'll be a mess. I think he needs the break to find out he needs me more than he's letting on. I'm just afraid that if we do, he's going to realize the opposite....that he doesn't need me.
Ugh, it all depends on how prom goes tonight. Hopefully, it goes well, we realize that we can't be without each other and it all falls back into place. But if not, we'll take a break, see where things go from there. I hate this.
I hate this
I hate this
Friday, May 8, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Ah, Crimson Sorrow questions
Yes, I'm actually going to answer your questions in another post. Wanna know why? Because if I had answered in a comment that would have made THIRTEEN comments! I can't handle that.
So, they are rescuing more people?
Yes, well, in a sense, the people are escaping on their own. Lucille guides them on their way. (You'll learn more about Lucille later, she is a "Sinner" like the rest of them but she lives in the States.)
Will they have enough room?
I couldn't help but giggle at this question. Aman-da...they're in Australia, I'm pretty sure its impossible for them to run out of room in Australia.
How do they keep getting supplies?
Oh, you'll see.
Is there a reason they don't grow their own food?
Yes, you'll see...
Are there guards at the stores? And if so, how do people get past them.
No, but they are highly surveilanced. The government doesn't believe anyone would want to do anything wrong, like steal, because it is considered a "sin" and death is the punishment. So, they are pretty easy to break into. They are just like stores today. Stores today don't have guards.
What is the Underwater Highway and how does it work?
It is litterally what it is, a highway underwater, left over from a past war that the goverment erased from the history books so no one knows about it, except Amya and the "sinners". It works from trees planted on the ocean floor and hydro powered vents that recycle the air given off by the trees.
Going along with the topic of Crimson Sorrow, in the next chapter you get to learn about the new runaways, a family of four, with two sons, named Wyatt and Matthew. The second brother's name is bolded simply because I named him after someone very important who touched alot of lives. He'll have a big part, not huge, about the same size as Sarah's probably (Who's part lasts throughout the book, atleast until a certain point...) He'll be a strong secondary character. His brother probably won't..
In other news, I signed up for the blood drive... period 4/5 and I'm already scared. It says on the paper that I'll be giving enough blood to save three lives. HOW MUCH BLOOD DOES IT TAKE TO SAVE THREE LIVES???????????*hyperventilates* I'm letting you know now, anyone who will be there when I get it done....I cry....before they take the needle out.....
I don't handle needles well.
and I'm giving blood....
this better get me some brownie points in Heaven.
So, they are rescuing more people?
Yes, well, in a sense, the people are escaping on their own. Lucille guides them on their way. (You'll learn more about Lucille later, she is a "Sinner" like the rest of them but she lives in the States.)
Will they have enough room?
I couldn't help but giggle at this question. Aman-da...they're in Australia, I'm pretty sure its impossible for them to run out of room in Australia.
How do they keep getting supplies?
Oh, you'll see.
Is there a reason they don't grow their own food?
Yes, you'll see...
Are there guards at the stores? And if so, how do people get past them.
No, but they are highly surveilanced. The government doesn't believe anyone would want to do anything wrong, like steal, because it is considered a "sin" and death is the punishment. So, they are pretty easy to break into. They are just like stores today. Stores today don't have guards.
What is the Underwater Highway and how does it work?
It is litterally what it is, a highway underwater, left over from a past war that the goverment erased from the history books so no one knows about it, except Amya and the "sinners". It works from trees planted on the ocean floor and hydro powered vents that recycle the air given off by the trees.
Going along with the topic of Crimson Sorrow, in the next chapter you get to learn about the new runaways, a family of four, with two sons, named Wyatt and Matthew. The second brother's name is bolded simply because I named him after someone very important who touched alot of lives. He'll have a big part, not huge, about the same size as Sarah's probably (Who's part lasts throughout the book, atleast until a certain point...) He'll be a strong secondary character. His brother probably won't..
In other news, I signed up for the blood drive... period 4/5 and I'm already scared. It says on the paper that I'll be giving enough blood to save three lives. HOW MUCH BLOOD DOES IT TAKE TO SAVE THREE LIVES???????????*hyperventilates* I'm letting you know now, anyone who will be there when I get it done....I cry....before they take the needle out.....
I don't handle needles well.
and I'm giving blood....
this better get me some brownie points in Heaven.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Amya
She was awake, but laying down on the bottom bunk of a camper bed. She couldn't get up for fear of waking the child asleep in her arms and the two other women sharing the bed with her. This child, a young girl of about five years of age, was a runaway who lost her mother along the way. Her name was Sarah, she'd been with them a year now.
Now, there were an enormous amount of runaway children without parents here. No one person took the job of caring for a motherless child, they all cared for each other. Last night, this child was too afraid to be left alone and no one wanted a fussy child in their bed. No one, that is, except Amya.
Amya ran her fingers through Sarah's long, chesnut brown hair. She relaxed and closed her eyes, she didn't need to start the wake up call yet...
Someone started banging on the door. Amya groaned loudly and gently pushed the child off of her. So much for sleeping in. She adjusted her shorts and shirt that she had worn to bed. She opened the door and grimaced at the middle aged man standing there. "What is it, Robert?" She asked, even though groggy, her voice was beautiful.
Robert smiled deliriously. "We're turning on the underwater highway again." He said.
Amya stopped rubbing her face. She looked at him in disbelief. "No..." She said smiling. "We haven't had any runaways since Sarah!"
Robert smiled. "Lucille called this morning. There are five of them. A family of four and another man, traveling alone." He said.
Too excited, to even be suspicious, Amya rushed to arise everyone. People crawled out of their cardboard boxes and stumbled out of their campers and trailers. The motherless children flocked to one adoptive mom or another. The cooks started up the food trailer. Amya soon felt Sarah's little hand slide into hers. Amya smiled and picked the little girl up, balancing her on her hip.
She was thrilled. They had been running low on food supplies and the escapees knew the prerequisite to getting on the underwater highway: they had to break into a store and steal as much food as they could carry.
They had their own water purification system set up, so water was never a problem, once in awhile, a few brave people would go back over the states and trash a store. They were smart about it though and no one ever got left behind.
Amya carried the little girl to the food trailer and set her down with an adoptive mother with about five other little ones clinging to her. Amya smiled at the woman whose hair was golden blonde, a result of the amazing amount of sun they all got. "Think you can handle another one, Hannah?"
Hannah had been with them the full ten years. Amya was thirteen when she ran away, when she discovered the underwater highway, most likely left over from a war in the past that the government had erased from the history books. She decided as she rode through it, that she was going to prove that the government no longer ruled the world.
So she started going on supply trips and people followed her, soon they weren't supply trips at all, they were rescue missions.
In the first two years, their numbers increased by the hundreds. One little girl led hundreds of people to freedom, in only two years.
There were deaths, family members that had to be left behind. Amya tried not to dwell on the losses, but rather use them as reasons to fight.
Now, ten years later, their numbers exceeded the thousands. They were a force not to be reckoned with.
Amya cleared her throat. "My friends, we're reopening the highway once more. We have five new runaways!" She said with a smile on her face so big it almost hurt.
Everyone cheered and began talking excitedly.
Amya smiled and linked her arm with Robert. "Let's do this, let's go make history once more."
Now, there were an enormous amount of runaway children without parents here. No one person took the job of caring for a motherless child, they all cared for each other. Last night, this child was too afraid to be left alone and no one wanted a fussy child in their bed. No one, that is, except Amya.
Amya ran her fingers through Sarah's long, chesnut brown hair. She relaxed and closed her eyes, she didn't need to start the wake up call yet...
Someone started banging on the door. Amya groaned loudly and gently pushed the child off of her. So much for sleeping in. She adjusted her shorts and shirt that she had worn to bed. She opened the door and grimaced at the middle aged man standing there. "What is it, Robert?" She asked, even though groggy, her voice was beautiful.
Robert smiled deliriously. "We're turning on the underwater highway again." He said.
Amya stopped rubbing her face. She looked at him in disbelief. "No..." She said smiling. "We haven't had any runaways since Sarah!"
Robert smiled. "Lucille called this morning. There are five of them. A family of four and another man, traveling alone." He said.
Too excited, to even be suspicious, Amya rushed to arise everyone. People crawled out of their cardboard boxes and stumbled out of their campers and trailers. The motherless children flocked to one adoptive mom or another. The cooks started up the food trailer. Amya soon felt Sarah's little hand slide into hers. Amya smiled and picked the little girl up, balancing her on her hip.
She was thrilled. They had been running low on food supplies and the escapees knew the prerequisite to getting on the underwater highway: they had to break into a store and steal as much food as they could carry.
They had their own water purification system set up, so water was never a problem, once in awhile, a few brave people would go back over the states and trash a store. They were smart about it though and no one ever got left behind.
Amya carried the little girl to the food trailer and set her down with an adoptive mother with about five other little ones clinging to her. Amya smiled at the woman whose hair was golden blonde, a result of the amazing amount of sun they all got. "Think you can handle another one, Hannah?"
Hannah had been with them the full ten years. Amya was thirteen when she ran away, when she discovered the underwater highway, most likely left over from a war in the past that the government had erased from the history books. She decided as she rode through it, that she was going to prove that the government no longer ruled the world.
So she started going on supply trips and people followed her, soon they weren't supply trips at all, they were rescue missions.
In the first two years, their numbers increased by the hundreds. One little girl led hundreds of people to freedom, in only two years.
There were deaths, family members that had to be left behind. Amya tried not to dwell on the losses, but rather use them as reasons to fight.
Now, ten years later, their numbers exceeded the thousands. They were a force not to be reckoned with.
Amya cleared her throat. "My friends, we're reopening the highway once more. We have five new runaways!" She said with a smile on her face so big it almost hurt.
Everyone cheered and began talking excitedly.
Amya smiled and linked her arm with Robert. "Let's do this, let's go make history once more."
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
^_^
Hehe, its a cute smiley. So, if I can somehow get on Max's good side (which I intend to do with a ton of flattery and cookies) I'm going to ask (ok, more like beg on bended knee) for him to take me to get my very first tattoo done on my seventeenth birthday. I already know what I want (a rose), where I want it (front part of my shoulder) and where I want it done (chuck's). I just need the person over eighteen to accompany me and he's the one person I think I could get to do it.
Ok, so about this rose, I'm having an arguement with myself over whether or not I should get it dedicated to Matthew, someone I never personally knew, but touched a person I truly care about (even though apparently I don't treat him good enough) very deeply. I'm told that Matthew wouldn't have just liked me, he would've loved me. I don't know, because I don't want to offend anybody by getting it dedicated to him.
Huuuuh decisions decisions.
Ok, so what I'd like to discuss today are victory dances, fake nails, and....peepee?
Victory dances:
Do you have one? I love people's victory dances. I work at hershey park, and when people win my game (rarely does that happen) they have victory dances...there has been alot of butt smacking, hip thrusting and much much more going on. We all have one, mine is pretty hilarious, I jump up and down and scream and its probably really cute when looked at from someone else's eyes. I just think I look like a dork. So, what's your victory dance.
Fake Nails:
The chick in this class has fake nails and I can't stand hearing her type. It makes me want to kick a puppy.
Peepee:
ummmmmmm not sure how that got in here.
Please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times, do not try to exit the car while the ride is still in motion and remember not to pee on the ride because then I have to clean that crap up....pee up....WHATEVER *click*
me: WOW SOMEONE'S IMMATURE *throws phone*
Ok, here's what really happened:
"WHATEVER" *hangs up*
me: B!TCH! *throws phone*
its only funny looking back at it now.
Ok, so about this rose, I'm having an arguement with myself over whether or not I should get it dedicated to Matthew, someone I never personally knew, but touched a person I truly care about (even though apparently I don't treat him good enough) very deeply. I'm told that Matthew wouldn't have just liked me, he would've loved me. I don't know, because I don't want to offend anybody by getting it dedicated to him.
Huuuuh decisions decisions.
Ok, so what I'd like to discuss today are victory dances, fake nails, and....peepee?
Victory dances:
Do you have one? I love people's victory dances. I work at hershey park, and when people win my game (rarely does that happen) they have victory dances...there has been alot of butt smacking, hip thrusting and much much more going on. We all have one, mine is pretty hilarious, I jump up and down and scream and its probably really cute when looked at from someone else's eyes. I just think I look like a dork. So, what's your victory dance.
Fake Nails:
The chick in this class has fake nails and I can't stand hearing her type. It makes me want to kick a puppy.
Peepee:
ummmmmmm not sure how that got in here.
Please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times, do not try to exit the car while the ride is still in motion and remember not to pee on the ride because then I have to clean that crap up....pee up....WHATEVER *click*
me: WOW SOMEONE'S IMMATURE *throws phone*
Ok, here's what really happened:
"WHATEVER" *hangs up*
me: B!TCH! *throws phone*
its only funny looking back at it now.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Tally
We're up to five, which means I've had one about every period so far except for period 2 which I suspect that was only because my most severe one was in Chorus, period 1. I had some minor scale ones in band and creative writing. I had one in lunch, which was pretty minor scale, its just the fact that I was eating that made it worse because I started choking on my cookie. :'( I've been pretty ok since lunch though but I'm waiting for the next one to strike.
Crimson Love
That's the title of my story. So, for all the worry warts that I know, I want you to navigate away from this page immediatly. I mean it, I don't need you reading this and calling 911 thinking I'm dying. You know who you are....leave...I mean it...I MEAN IT
Ok, now that they left (hopefully), I can talk to all you non-panickers. First period, I had what would probably be the equivalent of an asthma attack, only a bit more severe. It was chorus, and I could not quit coughing and then my throat closed up...which was the most frightening part...I couldn't get any air in at all, so I'm sitting there, in the middle of chorus...turning purple...while everyone else sang "I will survive"....ironic, much? And the only people that noticed that i was pretty much dying were Anna and the girl on the other side of me. Since first period I have had about.....three more mini-attacks like that one.
Yeah.
I swear to god if Mr.Panic Attack is still reading this, I'm going to kick your butt.
Ok, now that they left (hopefully), I can talk to all you non-panickers. First period, I had what would probably be the equivalent of an asthma attack, only a bit more severe. It was chorus, and I could not quit coughing and then my throat closed up...which was the most frightening part...I couldn't get any air in at all, so I'm sitting there, in the middle of chorus...turning purple...while everyone else sang "I will survive"....ironic, much? And the only people that noticed that i was pretty much dying were Anna and the girl on the other side of me. Since first period I have had about.....three more mini-attacks like that one.
Yeah.
I swear to god if Mr.Panic Attack is still reading this, I'm going to kick your butt.
Friday, May 1, 2009
ugh...
Being convinced a week early that prom is going to suck....- pricelessly depressing
I'm so tired of being treated like crap from people who keep telling me they care. I don't know what to do anymore. I tell them the truth but by doing that I am "leading them on" and "being a tease". So, I tell them a lie, then they freak out and beg me not to go. I know there's a phsycological reason behind the reason I get treated this way, so I know I shouldn't get upset. But when he tells me he's sorry for treating me this way, all I see is red because I know he doesn't mean it, emotionally or phsycologically. He never will, apparently until I give him what he wants and I'm confused and he isn't giving me any time and I just I don't know. It hurts too much, everything hurts too much. Too much hurt at once and I can't take much more despite how resilient I pride myself on being.
And apparently he's still mad? Because I stood outside his chemistry class waving forever and not once did he even look my way, and I know he knew I was out there. I didn't leave until Pavlis got all up in my face saying "Get to class." I'm SO glad I got switched to Saner
I'm so tired of being treated like crap from people who keep telling me they care. I don't know what to do anymore. I tell them the truth but by doing that I am "leading them on" and "being a tease". So, I tell them a lie, then they freak out and beg me not to go. I know there's a phsycological reason behind the reason I get treated this way, so I know I shouldn't get upset. But when he tells me he's sorry for treating me this way, all I see is red because I know he doesn't mean it, emotionally or phsycologically. He never will, apparently until I give him what he wants and I'm confused and he isn't giving me any time and I just I don't know. It hurts too much, everything hurts too much. Too much hurt at once and I can't take much more despite how resilient I pride myself on being.
And apparently he's still mad? Because I stood outside his chemistry class waving forever and not once did he even look my way, and I know he knew I was out there. I didn't leave until Pavlis got all up in my face saying "Get to class." I'm SO glad I got switched to Saner
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